my mouth tastes like poor choices
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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