I accidentally had phone sex last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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