So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
