my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
