Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
