you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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