Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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