if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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