I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
