Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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