somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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