I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
