i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
