Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
