I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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