It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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