please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
