Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
