If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
