I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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