I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
