she was so not down for the gang bang
someone threw a dead crab at me
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
