you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
