first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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