hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
