so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
