im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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