did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
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I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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