I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
