I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
