she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
