I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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