I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
