I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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