we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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