weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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