He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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