Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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