At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
