so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
