FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
