I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
