Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
