Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
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you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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