i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
