I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
