she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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