apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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