i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
