before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
