woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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