His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
