I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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