honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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