She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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