If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
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He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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