you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
